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Armed_Tranquility
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Name: Jenn
Country: United States
State: Delaware
Birthday: 8/17/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: Writing, Theories on Life, Theories on Death, Pondering how the World will eventually destroy itself, Music, Poetry (some), and above all- Beauty in even the ugliest things.
Expertise: Finding beauty in everything- Finding fault in everything.
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/20/2004
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| It is time.
I want happiness.
I want passion, arguments, car rides, wind in my hair, trees surrounding me, music blaring, loud singing, shitty dancing, cheap beer, cheaper wine, and the freedom to change.
I want to say fuck you to all obligations and expectations. I want to live selfishly for a while, concerning myself with only my own well being. I want to find myself again, however cheesy that may sound.
I want to play the piano, buy some empty canvas, and lay in a dim room letting charcoal show my expressions. I want to listen to music louder than I ever thought possible, and rediscover the joys of writing.
I want to learn about the geekiest things... genetics, physics, black holes, time travel, antimatter, nanotechnology, biomedical research, mathematical theorems.
I want to buy an old computer, rebuild it, and put windows 3.1 on it for purely nostalgic reasons.
I want to travel. I want to sit with people from different countries. I want to learn their cultures, and immerse myself in them. I want to forget what "home" feels like, and let wherever I am become my home.
I want to have dreams and ambitions bigger than I've allowed myself to have the last several years.
I want to be myself.. uninhibited, talking to strangers, discovering new ways to think of things.
I want to be inspired.
I want freedom.
I want to be fucking happy.
Yeah.... It is time.
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| I do not believe in God. I do not believe in fate, magic, or the afterlife. My mind rotates and spins around a perfectly level axis of rationality countered with the gravity and weight of an irrational core. And yet, despite this lack of belief, despite this lack of faith, and lack of supernatural hysteria- I have had countless unexplainable moments in my life that have led up to this very moment... to this very second.
I wonder often what it is to be loved... not the required, expected love from your parents or siblings... but rather an intensely passionate, life changing, reality shattering kind of love. I struggle back and forth with its existence, constantly denying myself that there could be any emotion so intense, and denying that any emotion, or any thing, can exist only when denying all logic. I struggle daily with the idea and social structure of monogamy. I love my husband, I do... but the presumption that he, alone, can make me happy for all of eternity is, at the least, absolute insanity. I guess according to the standards of society I should sacrifice my own happiness, and own intellectual growth so that I may force myself to be able to be appeased by a single individual.
I go back and forth constantly debating my own morality. But struggling to etch a definite and individual moral code in a society dominated by Christian teachings is almost impossible. There is always the question lingering in my mind of what is me, and what has been bred into me throughout the years. Do I feel the desire to practice fidelity and monogamy, or is that simply something that I have been taught for years is the ultimate and absolute law of love and relationships. I wonder if we were all able to tackle our own inadequacies and insecurities would we then be able to live freely with our partners without the legality and rules governing its very existence?
My point is... is there a love, a love out there that transcends all logic? Is there a love that can exist and thrive within its own rule system? Is there a love that is without condition, without guideline, and without societal influence? Basically... is there a love that is truly unique?
I know most are quick to say yes... because who among us, (us-being those raised in a chick flick movie kind of world) can deny such a romantic notion of unfaltering love... of love unchallenged and unconditional...
For now, perhaps forever, I will try to satisfy myself with glimpses of intellectual fulfillment and passionately challenging conversation. I will try to fit myself into a societal rule created by a society that I have no fulfillment from. And I will try to make myself okay with only living as half a person.
We are nothing, and I mean nothing, without the people who bring out the best and worst in us... and we are nothing without someone else to reflect ourselves upon... Right now my reflection is only half there, and if I don't find some way to see myself... if I don't find some way to find myself... if I don't find someway to come back and express myself.... If I don't find that- I will lose the very things that make me beautiful, make me passionate, and make me the very strange, and unique person that I am.
I do not want to disappear into another person like that..
I do not want to disappear.
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| There are times when I really wonder if I have lost myself. People really do change when they get married, and I don't necessarily think that it is for the better. It is almost as if people are given a free pass to become apathetic and lazy. The wives grow fat, hairy, and stop caring about appearances- and the men stop their declarations of love and cease spoiling them. I know that the two are directly related and a painful cycle, but which comes first- I do not know.
It is hard for me to know who I was... what I came from... and see who I am now. I've lost my passions for many things. I've lost my drive to write and many of my creative processes. I've lost my ability to see myself as a whole human being. I am not saying this is simply because I got married, but rather the combination of a move, a marriage, and a drastic change in lifestyle. However, I do wonder if it is possible to get it back. Can you recover this drive? Can you cause creativity and passion to resurface? Or have I simply let my passion burn out and dwindle?
It is odd how good feeling alone is. Chris has only been gone for three days, but I feel amazingly liberated in his absence. It isn't him, there is nothing wrong with him- but there is something about the lack of another human beings presence that brings out a different thought process. I had hundreds of nights alone before I met Chris, and many of them were painful and depressing, lonely nights.... but at least then I had emotions and thoughts intense enough to upset me and cause words to come flying out from my fingertips. Now, I am content, and with contentedness comes complacency, and complacency ties directly into laziness, and laziness into lack of motivation and lack of self.
Why can't I have both? Why can't I have the freedom and liberation of being alone- all the while having the comfort, love, and security of my marriage? I hate the fact that at times I feel as if I must sacrifice some part of myself to satisfy another part of myself. And I hate the fact that I've let myself become the very person that I swore I would never become. Its directly changed the way I look at myself. I used to see myself as a fearless, creative, and passionate person who had an abundance of qualities to offer other people. Now, I feel defeated, boring... as if my presence on earth is completely trivial and useless. The fearless side of me is gone, and replacing it is a self-questioning lost side trying to figure out how in the hell to get back to where I came from and in the process figure out what exactly it was I lost.
I hope it does not continue. I hope that my thought process and my life does not progress through apathetic stage after apathetic stage. I hope that I do not become one of those woman/drones who people are absolutely shocked to find was once a passionate, free spirited person, who would die for what she believed in.
The fact is... my words were all I had. My mind was all I had. And those are things I sincerely thought would never fade away. Now, I am left with no words, and a painfully confused mind. I need it back... I need my passion, my drive, my center.... I need it back.
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| I read some conservative article about the harmful effects of weed, and why it should not be legalized earlier- and it just pissed me off. I have NEVER smoked pot, nor will I ever, however... based upon rational and logical evidence- I see no reason for it to be illegal. And after seeing this fat fuck's picture- I just got more irritated and decided that we should make fast food illegal. If people are concerned about weed being "mentally addictive"- which I agree it could be for certain individuals (who probably already have other problems)- then they need to think about the fact that food is very mentally addictive for some people. I could go on for hours about the harmful affect of high fructose corn syrup and how it tricks the body into thinking it is not hungry or that it is thirsty so you will just keep drinking more and more of your crack addicted soda. I could also ramble for hours about the shit in processed meat- the chemicals, hormones, additives, the "natural flavors" that are not so natural. Or perhaps I could talk about the corporate by outs of the FDA so that they will not investigate it further, and will continue to keep less harmful sweeteners off the market.
But- I won't... Its just funny to me that people pick one thing "Weed" and go on about how dangerous it is... how it may have harmful chemicals in it, when every day they pick up a substance that is known to be able to eat through rust and dissolve a penny, and they ingest it.
Shit, do you know what you are putting into your body when you eat a Big Mac? I have to say that I bet that one Big Mac has a more profound and harmful effect on your actual physiological condition than weed does.
And if you are concerned about the harmful affects of weed (lung cancer)- I can assure you that we probably spend a whole lot more dealing with fat fuckers who gorge themselves on McDonalds every day of the week, and then have to get wheelchairs and little carts to move around while our tax dollars pay for their "disability". We spend a lot more on heart disease, joint conditions, diabetes, etc- then we do on weed induced lung cancer. And fast food has NO benefit... that is right folks.... zero. Weed on the other hand has a plethora of benefits reaching from relaxation to anti-nausea properties, to cancer treatment- its medicinal properties are probably endless.
Bah- so in my opinion if we are keeping pot illegal because it is "mentally addictive" and may cause unwanted health problems- then damnit- we need to fucking make illegal the majority of things Americans consume.
No more sugar, ice cream, soda, cookies, cakes... No more Big Macs and french fries... no more fucking deep fried twinkies.
People just piss me off.
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| I don't understand people....
How can people simply not care about politics? What is your excuse? You can tell me every detail of whatever reality TV show was on last night, but you can't tell me a single current event that is happening in the world.
And you wonder why the world is going to shit?
I'm so tired of hearing... "It doesn't matter what I do" "We can't change anything." "What are we supposed to do about it?"
Here's my answer-
1. How about you get off your lazy ignorant ass, pick up a fucking paper, and use that wonderful skill of being able to read. Instead of searching for news about the latest pop stars and Pitt and Jolie's new baby- go to cnn.com and read something besides the entertainment section.
2. The next Step is THINK about what you have read. I know that the American educational system has essentially killed our ability to independently learn and think for ourselves, but I do have this slight smidge of hope that you still possess at least some independent thinking ability. So- think about what you have read, relate it to other current issues, think about the long term scale.... just THINK.
3. Stop using justifications to be lazy and not care. Learn that all you are doing is making excuses for being lazy, and that in reality you truly do not believe these things. When you say "there's nothing I can do to change it"- what you are really saying is "I really don't want to spend the time to learn about all of this or take action of any kind, therefore I am going to self rationalize my idiocy."
Okay, so after you have done all that... continue to repeat it every single day. I just love how ungrateful and self-serving people have become. I would like to think that all the soldiers that have died in the past- did not die in vain. There they were thinking the were dying to protect our civil liberties and our rights as citizens... just so years later we can take them for granted and become dangerously uninvolved in the actions of our government.
And another thing- if one more person gives me the comment "I don't care if Bush is listening to my personal conversations... if you aren't a terrorist, why do you even care about wire tapping..." I'm a going to have to seriously hit them over the head with something and kick their ass straight into a police state country. You took elementary education people- you remember that whole "checks and balances" thing... well- the point is that the executive branch of the federal government should not have the right or the ability to do anything is chooses. There HAS to be a safe guard up to keep it from going too far. I mean, this is how it starts- slowly... just wire tapping international calls, then international to national calls, then just select national calls, then ALL national calls. And if the government realizes that its citizens are too stupid to care about this breach of privacy.. why stop there? Next will come continued surveillance, video cameras, who the fuck knows. The point is- they cannot have the right to do whatever they want to do.
Keep telling yourself that it will never happen, and they will slowly creep in on your privacy until one day you will realize that you have none.
Everyone has the ability to enact change. We have the responsibility to learn about our country and the events taking place in it. We have a moral duty to try to protect our liberties- not only for ourselves, but for generations to come. And if you really think that the government is not using your ignorance to its best advantage.... then you truly are ignorant.
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